Finding Peace in the Face of Death

It was a beautiful southern California day as Cameron and I were getting ready to have friends and family over for food and fellowship to celebrate the beginning of fall.  We really enjoyed hosting at our home and spending time with friends and family.  However, there was a little secret we were keeping from them; I was 7 weeks pregnant.

I was cooking all kinds of appetizers and we were going to serve bratwurst, baked beans and salad for the main course.  There were several crockpots going, one with the brats slowly cooking before we put them on the charcoal grill to finish them off, one was the beans, and several others had the appetizers.  We loaded the beverages in the fridge and I made one of my favorite fall sweet treats, pumpkin fluff!  I filled the pumpkin bowls with pretzels and then went outside to put the table clothes and decorations on all the tables.  

As I was outside decorating and preparing the tables I started to feel some cramping and attributed it to me doing too much that day.  Then the pain got worse, it was so intense and felt like someone was taking a knife to my insides.  I was hunched over in pain and went inside to the restroom to find out I was bleeding.  I went and told Cameron what was happening and told him that I thought it would be fine, it might just be things adjusting so I was going to take a shower and rinse off, and hoped the blood would be gone.

I went upstairs and before getting in the shower I called the nurse hotline number on the back of my insurance card, told them what was going on and asked if I could talk with someone to find out if this was normal.  Apparently it was a call center where they take the information down, they contact the nurse on call, and then the nurse will call you back.  So I gave my information and went in the shower, while still in excruciating pain.

The nurse called me back and told me that I needed to get to the ER immediately. Cameron and I turned off all of our crock pots with all of the food that we had cooking, and just left it all out on the counter we didn't have time to clean anything up, and we rushed over to the hospital.

On the way there every bump in the road was complete agony. I put the seat all the way back and laid down it was so hard to sit up. The pain was just so intense. But we had people who were going to be showing up to our house. So I began to text everybody while Cameron was driving and tell them that we had an emergency and to not show up because we have to cancel and that I will update everybody when we can. Needless to say everybody was freaking out, we have people over all the time and we had never canceled before so they knew something was really wrong. Everybody was reaching out asking if we were okay and what was going on, but I just couldn't answer. Not only did I not know, but I was in so much pain I was just trying to breathe. I prayed and cried and asked God to please protect our baby.

We arrived at the ER and I couldn't walk at this point so Cameron pulled over to the Loading area and they got a wheelchair to put me in. In addition to the pain, I was now feeling weak, dizzy, nauseous, and just really sick. I looked at the waiting room and it was completely packed. However, they took me in right away and started doing all sorts of testing. One of the tests that they did was an internal ultrasound. Being that I was already in pain, it was almost unbearable to go through. I looked at the woman's face who was doing the testing and she turned the screen away from me. She had a poker face but I knew something was wrong and I asked her what was going on. She said, your HCG levels show that you are around 7 weeks pregnant, but when I'm looking on the ultrasound I don't see a pregnancy. She said she's going to have the doctor talk to me but it looks like I'm having an ectopic pregnancy and we need to find out where the pregnancy is.

They wheeled me into a room and the ER doctor came in almost immediately. Anyone who has gone to the ER knows that the doctors are usually so busy and they don't usually chit chat with you, they take care of business and move on to the next patient. This particular doctor came in smiling happy laughing and talking to us as if we had been friends our whole lives. He greeted us cheerfully and started telling us stories about his day and how he was putting together afloat for his daughter for homecoming, and going on and on about lots of things that are happy and joyful. I knew he was buttering me up and trying to ease whatever blow he was about to throw my way, so I tuned out all of his happiness and anxiously just wanted to hear what was going on. So I kindly said to him, thank you so much for sharing all of that that sounds like an amazing day. What is going on with our pregnancy? And he informed me that from the looks of the ultrasound I've had an ectopic pregnancy where the embryo implanted into my tube, but now my tube had burst and there's so much fluid that I am starting to go septic and they need to do surgery right away.

I asked him what that meant and if they are able to save our baby when they do the surgery. With sadness in his eyes he just said unfortunately we can't save the baby, and at this point we are concerned for your life and we need to take you now. I explained to him that I'm not going anywhere until our pastor arrived so that I can pray with him first. I can tell he was in a hurry and didn't really like that answer, but truly I wasn't going anywhere until I prayed with our pastor.

Cameron had already reached out to both of our pastors to see who was available to meet us at the hospital. Both of their kids were having homecoming that day and they were all getting ready for that. However, without hesitation or question, Pastor Mike dropped everything and rushed over to be with us at the hospital to pray with me. He also had no idea that we were pregnant.

While we were waiting for him to show up, my regular gynecologist’s colleague arrived and said that she would be doing the surgery as he was out of town. I told her that the ER doctor said they couldn't save the baby but I asked her and begged her when they do the surgery if there's any way they can move where the baby implanted, to wear the baby should be. She started tearing up with compassion, which I was amazed at because up to this point I have never seen doctors so empathetic and compassionate before. I remember a tear rolling down her cheek as she said I'm so sorry but we can't. Once the baby implants there's no way to move that location. She said, your tube has already burst and there's liquid that has already killed the baby. She said your HCG levels have dropped drastically ( they kept checking my blood), which shows that you've already lost your pregnancy. She said we have to get you back there now and do surgery immediately so that we can save your life.

The seriousness of the condition hit me, but I felt an overwhelming peace, the peace that surpasses all understanding steadily with me and I longed to pray with my pastor. Cameron was being strong and comforting me throughout all of it as best he could.

The surgery nurse came in and started asking me questions and prepping me for surgery. They asked me what I ate, and I had been snacking all day long as I was getting ready for our party. Normally when you have surgery you're not supposed to eat for a set amount of hours before, but they just took my food intake into consideration and still took me in right away for surgery. As the nurse was prepping me for surgery I told her I wasn't going yet, that my pastor was on his way and almost there and that we were going to pray first and then I will go in for surgery. I don't think she was a believer, because she was very irritated by that, and I don't remember what she said but I remember just ignoring it. Just then Pastor Mike came, and he stood outside the door for a minute watching them move around in my room. We called him in and the medical staff left. He said something along the lines of, I've never seen them prepping somebody so fast like that. We briefly told him what was going on, and we all prayed together. Then he stayed with Cameron as they wheeled me off to the surgery room.

When I got into the surgery room, they move me onto a different bed. It was freezing cold in there. One of the ladies came up to me, she must have been the anesthesiologist, and she said she was putting a cocktail together that was going to make me have a nice sleep. I looked up at the ceiling and I didn't feel fear, but felt peace. There is a Bible verse that says to live is Christ to die is gain. I wasn't sure how this was going to pan out, if I was going to make it through, but I knew that if I didn't wake up here on Earth I would wake up in the arms of my father, so I wasn't scared, but I didn't want to leave my husband, friends, and family behind. I prayed and asked Jesus to be with me, and for God to spare my life, and then said however, if he chose not to to help and support and comfort my husband and provide him with everything that he would need to get through this. Then that lady's cocktail must have kicked in because the next thing I knew I was waking up in a recovery room. God did spare my life, however they did have to remove my fallopian tube and we did lose our baby.

But in those moments when I wasn't sure if I would make it or not, there was no fear but there was peace. That is the difference in the life of a believer. Yay though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I will fear no evil for thou art with me thy rod and a shield they comfort me. In the life of a believer there is no fear in death as we know where we are going and that death on Earth is just the doorway to our next season of Eternity with Christ. For those who are not believers, there is fear and death for they do not know the promises of the father. But as believers we need to be sharing the gospel so that we can pluck people out of the hand of the enemy and that they can feel this peace, so that they can have eternal life with Christ. I hope this blesses you and encourages you, God is good in each and every situation!